Competitor #1: Monty's
I started off with Monty’s on Western, a plant-based burger place, right next to DDD’s infamous and carnivorous Beer Belly. I started with this blasphemously anti-meat burger joint to get it out of the way. Veganism is a plague on our nation’s burger consumption and any burger called Impossible or Beyond should be served raw to the garbage... or so I thought.
I waited on a short line on the sidewalk in front of the small storefront after being yelled at by a customer waiting in a line I didn’t see. Sorry, but you didn’t say no cutsies. Still, being my unprovocative self, I went to the back of the line right behind a kid with a lizard in a cat carrier. I knew right then I’d made the right choice of restaurant for my lunch.
The line went fairly quickly until Kai, the kid in front of me got to the cashier, and it turned out the dude had a bunch of reptiles as a kid. I now know a lot about amphibious reptiles. After the kid ordered and squirted his lizard with a spray bottle, I ordered. A single burger, fries, an Arnold Palmer, and a chocolate/salted-caramel shake (which our reptile-ophile made clear that he was doing me a solid by making. Boss man no likey the mixies). The total, mind you, was $28. Now, I’m no Bill Gates, but I’d already made up my mind, so I reluctantly paid and waited outside for my food to go.
I wanted to eat at their cozy counter, but there were no seats. 3:00 on a Tuesday! The place only has about 10 seats, and I wanted to eat on the car ride home anyway. I waited maybe five minutes before my burger was ready and another five for my shake. The only mistake of this order was that I didn’t get loaded fries. I didn’t know that they had them! But, Kai the lizard king, got them, and they looked divine. I didn’t ask for a bite out of common decency, but trust me... I wanted to.
Now, for the review: the bun is this pale white, which makes me feel like vegans are scared of gluten too. The cheese was beautifully melted on their patty, and the lettuce was fresh, but the best part of this burger: the pickles. I swear, it tasted like they pickled their own cucumbers in mason jars with every customer’s name on them, that’s how good they were. Vinegary, spicy, delicious. The bread and anti-meat agenda didn’t even bother me because the pickles and cheese were so delectable, my anger at green smoothies vanished. The fries were greasy and the house dipping sauce was superb. Felt like a plant-based In-n-Out, which means it had some new flavors I wasn’t prepared for, which I dug. The Arnold Palmer used unsweetened Iced Tea, which is a big faux-pax especially with me coming from the South... ern part of Northern Long Island. And, the cherry on top of this surprisingly good meal was the shake. Salty, chocolatey, and caramelly, the shake was surprisingly touted as plant-based. I don’t know what that means. Maybe, a bunch of chemists are in a lab in their basement flavoring spinach with different compounds so they can make a mush of brown greens to appeal to the yoga-pants wearing health-nut crowd. Still, it tasted sugary, fatty, and exactly what I wanted.
For twenty eight bucks, the meal was a solid one. I won’t be going back because big-plant is trying to mind control us with delicious non-meats so our warm, red blood turns cold and green. And is it really the best burger in LA? I guess my next visit will tell who is better? Will Burgers Never Say Die do it for me, or will plants beat our meat this time? Stay tuned.